Does Arguing Mean my Relationship is Doomed?

Something I hear a lot from the couch, is how disappointed and hurt couples feel having tried valiantly to solve what seems to be unsolvable arguments. So, they bravely decide to try therapy. When couples reach out for help they are often caught in what we call a negative conflict cycle. One approach is EFT (emotionally focused therapy, founded by Dr. Sue Johnson) which sees conflict cycles like infinity loops. One person feels something, sends an inadvertent (or clear) message, the other person makes meaning of it, responds, sends another message, and around around we go, ad infinitum.

Whether you’re in a monogamous, poly, plutonic or familial, relationship, we can sense our partners’ reaction lightning fast. Researcher and clinician Dr. Stan Tatkin describes 80% of communication as non-verbal. We send messages to each other with our “face, the eyes, the pupils…the prosody [tone and inflection] of the voice, skin color, temperature, movement, posture…” – all this body language. Eighty percent, before we’ve said a word.

But fighting does not equal "doomed to fail." Conflict is normal. We all experience conflict and will always expereince conflict. We just want to understand what the cycle is telling us about ourselves and our partner, in order to get to the repair. We could even say we have a few options: you accept the cycle and while it gets a little better over time, it doesn’t go away (rinse & repeat) and you both avoid the topic(s) or pain; the cycle takes less time to move through and your mutual repair feels healing and strengthens your bond; the cycle eventually stops occurring, at least to such a degree that its problematic, and your bond continues to strengthen.

EFT helps strengthen a couple’s bond, respecting the human need for emotional connection. It is a primal instinct. Understanding ourselves better and our partner is crucial.

Stan Tatkin also teaches about creating a shared vision which I think is important. We fell in love. But now our Person sees the world differently. Do we want to argue them to the mat on these differences, or get to know and understand them?

As Sue Johnson, founder of EFT, wrote in Hold Me Tight, “Curiosity comes out of a sense of safety; rigidity out of being vigilant to threats. Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me?”

I highly recommend these books:

Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson, for an accessible how-to for couples to put neuroscience and connection into practice immediately.

Wired for Love, by Stan Tatkin, diving into the science of relating and conflict, promoting safety and connection through a neurological/physiological lens.