Are There Tools to Help our Relationship...Like Right Now?

The short answer is yes! There are some fantastic communication techniques to practice at home. You may have heard of The Gottman Method. Drs. Julie and John Gottman have made huge strides in the field of relationship counseling. There are two Gottman concepts I love offering to couples on the couch: the soft start up and the Dreams Within Conflict conversation.

The “soft start up” is a skill we (all) could practice (more of) at home. When broaching concerns with your partner, be it a complaint, a request or a need, it’s common one partner hears criticism.

The Gottmans write in their book Fight Right that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism is criticism, they say. I witness this with couples on the couch. We notice how comments sound and the defensiveness they can breed. But there’s a silver lining: it helps us know where the distress is.

We all have needs, fears, unintentional misunderstandings, strong desires, valid concerns. The Gottmans noticed that successful disagreements start with a softer beginning. Meaning, words of appreciation, acknowledging differences in opinion right off the bat, owning one’s feelings vs blaming-language (“I” vs “you” which is harder to do than meets the eye) all mitigate what can become a criticism feedback loop. Soft start-ups increase the likelihood of resolution. How we approach our partner in the first three minutes, the Gottmans found, can predict the longevity of a relationship, one way or the other. The first 120 seconds matter.

They also created the Dreams Within-conversation stemming from their own relationship woes dealing with one disagreement they had for years. It is a list of questions each partner takes turns asking and listening to. This should be done when there is time, and no one is triggered. It should be a conversation born of curiosity and a willingness to practice listening skills. Expressing and acknowledging values, helps people understand what’s at stake for their partner. It’s often not what we think! This creates a new positive cycle for their relationship.

Practicing new/awkward skills is like going to the gym. The more intentional we are the more we can strengthen from within. Fun fact: did you know we have roughly thirty-five muscles that make up our core? We tend to focus on the top layer, the “six pack abs” - but underneath and all around our trunk are muscles supporting our posture, helping us turn, rotate, lift and minimize injuries. The transversus abdominis, for example, is deep, working to protect our spine. Without extra effort to strengthen it, hello lower back pain!

Back to your relationship: just remember that practicing soft start-ups and having Dreams Within Conflict conversations, won't make things easy overnight. But these tools can help you begin paving a road together, side by side.

I highly recommend this book:

Fight Right, by Julie Schwarz Gottman, PhD and John Gottman, PhD